Balance is Bullshit

Sometimes it feels like I move through life holding my breath. Waiting for the next problem to solve. Making sure I just keep moving and making it look like I have it all together. Some days I feel like I do, most days, it's smoke and mirrors. Germain likes to say I have two speeds, stop and go. It's something we joke about, but what is the result of not having a slow down?

Challenge Accepted
I recently took a challenge from a friend and mentor who suggested I take one day and do nothing. Yes, she actually meant do nothing, no box checking, no emails, no social media, no working, literally nothing that didn't involve self care for me or connection with Germain and my sweet Abby Roo. I instantly felt anxious at the mention of this. Stay with me, because for some of you, this may sound insane. Doing nothing.. aka relaxing, gives me anxiety. I have a seriously difficult time sitting still and doing nothing. Scared as hell, I decided to take her up on the challenge, my word for 2019 is fearless after all, so how could I refuse?

Time to experiment
I recently took a full Sunday, solid 10 hours of straight down time, Netflix, snacks, Germain and sweet Abby Roo. No social media (sorry for those of you who were looking forward to #BreakfastShowdown, we kept it low key given the circumstances), no texting, no work emails, no laundry or cleaning. I felt far more relaxed than I thought I would, I don't know how much of that is exhaustion, however something interesting came up around 7:30 that night after our last movie ended. I went into full on panic mode. It suddenly dawned on me that the do list that grows by the second did not get touched for a whole ten hours. Anxiety manifests differently in everyone, for me, my physical body freaks out, my heart rate spikes, I feel hot, my face and neck gets flushed and some of the time I get a fun side of nausea to go with it. Great way to end my relaxing day, huh?

Reality Check
At first, I gave myself a hard time about my reaction, I mean, come on, really Jess, you are complaining about 10 hours of doing nothing. For most people, that would be a dream come true, especially my friends who are mothers. After allowing myself a moment for that, I do what I always do when I am stressed about something, I talked to Germain. He has a very unique viewpoint and one I have come to rely on, he is the antidote to my version of crazy. He said "Jess, maybe this challenge was to get you to see you need less extremes in your days". I stared back at him for a moment, and said "tell me more", he then began to remind me that my day to day can be intense. Get up at 5am, working extremely long hours, get home late, barely get dinner and a shower, before I am asleep. Countered with 10 hours of laying bed watching Netflix. Germain may have had a point, spoiler alert, he usually does.
I have been thinking about his comments ever since. I tend to go 100 in anything I am doing. Whether it is working or a passion project or what I am planning for breakfast showdown. I am not a person who does things casually, I play to win. But what was the prize here? I have been chasing perfection for as long as I can remember and wearing busy as a badge of honor, for the majority of my adult life. Every milestone and achievement doesn't bring contentment, it only brings a craving for the next level. Every time I am chasing a new goal, I convince myself that crossing that finish line will come with indescribable joy. Instead, do you know what it gets me? Exhaustion, burn out, stressed relationships and depletion.

Balance is Bullshit
These days you hear a lot about balance. I despise that word, to me, balance is bullshit. I am sure you see people who seem like they have everything together and they are balancing all the spinning plates, right? Girl, they have help, I promise you. To be totally transparent, to keep up my hectic schedule would be impossible without Germain. He does more for Abby and myself than you can imagine.
Life is never 50/50. One part of your life or another is going to be demanding your attention in different seasons. Some times it is work, other times is family, or your own health. It will never be a perfectly split pie with equal pieces of demands on you. Sometimes, you will need a reminder to take a break, or even better, give yourself a break.. Your work, your life, your health, your family, all of these require 100% of your effort and energy for you to be successful in them, so how can you possibly expect to keep them balanced? Who came up with this lie?

Working yourself to the bone is hard, but that one comes to me easier than doing nothing or giving myself grace when I am trying to take on the world. Working a million hours is hard, doing nothing is hard, learning to take care of yourself is hard, putting yourself first is hard, and giving yourself is grace is hard Choose your hard.