How not to fight with your husband

#RelationshipGoals is how a friend referred to us recently. Germain is actively rolling his eyes with that previous sentence. Annoyance with social media terms aside, I have never considered our marriage as something to envy. To me, we are normal, we argue, we laugh, we buy each other Christmas gifts, we spoil our dog, we're ordinary.

Nevertheless, I often find myself pulling from personal experience to help a friend with a relationship issue. Our relationship is nowhere near perfect, and I am not claiming to be any kind of expert on this. However, more than a decade in and A LOT of hard work, I do have a couple of things I have noted that help us in the day to day.

Quit Trying to be Right
Talk about a life lesson I keep having to learn, and learn again! This applies to every relationship you have in your life, personal or professional and it is so difficult to do. If you are anything like me, being right is a badge of honor. While "winning" the argument might feel like a victory in the moment, you know what it's not giving you? Connection! You do not build trust and love with someone by constantly trying to prove the other person wrong.

You can end an argument real quick if you let go of the win. I'm not talking about being passive aggressive or being the martyr. Ladies, you know what I mean. That sarcastic "Fine. forget about it". Yea, that is not letting go of the win. While we’re at it, let's quit saying we're fine, when we're not, okay? This behavior is just confusing to everyone and it's not making things better. Try pausing in the moment to see if this "win" really is worth the argument you are in.

Take a Breather
Before you go into the battle, take some time to figure out how you want to approach it. Tell me if this sounds familiar, your partner does something that really irritates you and you go from 0 to 60 and you are ready to go to blows. Yep, I feel you girl. You don't need to rush to them to tell them the 100 ways they suck, you need a breather. Find the thing(s) that bring you back down to center, mine are writing, music and my sweet Abby Roo.

After you calm down, you will be able to address the particular issue without losing your cool. I cannot tell you how many times I would completely freak out when the dishwasher was loaded wrong (yep, I am that level of OCD) or dishes are left in the sink. UGH, it's a serious pet peeve of mine. Want to know a secret? The way I was able to get Germain to stop leaving dishes in the sink was to calmly tell him that I really appreciate coming into the kitchen first thing in the morning or when I come home from work and not seeing a mess. The house being clean and organized makes me feel calmer. Spoiler alert, Germain likes me calm, so if it's as easy as putting dishes away, it's a no-brainer for him.

If you get into this situation, whether the argument hasn't started yet or you are in the middle of it, decide to take a breather. The break is critical when things get heated, but don't forget the second part, come back and resolve it. How many times have you taken a break, never to discuss the issue again because you don't feel like going back at it. This was my mode of operation for years, don't do this! You will not solve anything if you keep letting things pile up under that rug. You have to go back to the issue with calm voices and from a place of resolution and compromise. If you can do this you will build a stronger foundation for your relationship and avoid fighting about something months or years later because you never resolved it.

"There was a tone"
Ooooh how many arguments start due to a tone of voice? Everyone knows, it is never what you say, it's how you say it. We have all read a text or email and been upset about the tone. Even though that tone is in your head, because you can't hear the tone from the other person. Side note, I sincerely hope that someone is working on a sarcasm font.

The paragraph above regarding taking a breather helps immensely with this! If you don't immediately react when you're upset, you will change your tone. You will start a discussion, not an argument. That is an important distinction, when you get into an argument, it's human to go into defense mode immediately. Do you think resolution comes from two people in defense mode? Of course you don't. You need two people ready to find a way, not one or both of you looking for the win, or blaming everything on the other person. "You can battle, or you can collaborate. Collaboration is a lot more rewarding."

Sometimes it’s you
I read this incredible quote the other day, "You need to be mature enough to understand that you have toxic traits too, it is not always the other person". Man, that is good! Self awareness will come in super handy in your relationships, actually, life in general. Turning into the victim every time you get into an argument with someone is super easy, you know what is difficult? Looking at the situation and finding where you need to apologize for your actions.

Think back to your most recent argument with your partner, a friend, a co-worker, or someone you care about. Really break down the situation and see if you have some fault. Were you mean when you didn’t need to be? Did you start yelling instead of speaking to them calmly and kindly? I bet you can find something you might not be super proud of. Being honest with yourself and the other person can bring you closer together. We all know someone who plays the victim in every situation and no one wants to be in any kind of relationship with someone who won’t take accountability and apologize when they should.

Team Us
At the end of the day, Germain is my ride or die. I would do anything for him and he would do anything for me. Our relationship is my priority, and it is for him too. It's easy to get caught up in the perfect couple selfies and vacation photos you see on social media. Truth behind a lot of those "perfect" scenes are people who are miserable. Even when I am angry at him, I still know in my gut that he is my person, he is never intentionally trying to make me sad or angry. Intention is the secret sauce my friends, if you can get to a place where you trust the other person's intentions, it will change the game! You will begin to recognize effort and little actions that the other person is doing to make your life better.

No one is perfect, but if you are in it together, you can always find a way. It's not you against them, it's you and them against the problem. Try using that as your mantra and see how things change. Pretty sure by this point, I am getting some serious eye rolls thrown my way. Let me put this caveat on this, you BOTH have to be in it. It is impossible to build a strong relationship trying to show up for both of you.

In case, you are under some crazy impression that Germain and I are unicorns and never had a problem, let me put your mind at ease right now. We were not always like this, we had hard YEARS, yep you read that right, years. Not days, not weeks, not months, we had hard years. We have been through some seriously difficult life landmines. There were times I didn't think we would make it ( I am sure he had the same thought), but now I could not be more proud of the effort we both put towards our relationship and the place we are in now. The truth is, those life issues will be back in the future, life doesn’t stop coming at you, but I feel like we're in a better place now to handle those things as a team.

If you cannot tell already, I am super passionate about this topic. Connection is so important to every human and relationships can be torn apart so quickly. If anything I said above resonated with you I would love if you left me a comment below. And if you have any other great ways you improve your relationships I would love to hear them! At the end of the day., if two people love each other, nothing is impossible, except figuring out what to have for dinner … seriously, I know we’re not the only having that issue